Not your Typical NBA Playoffs Preview

When it comes to big events in sports such as the NBA playoffs, every sportswriter in America wants to give their input of who will win but this year that doesn’t make sense. The NBA playoffs are the most open they have been in a long time which is a good thing; we could have a playoffs better than 1993. Since I don’t want to give you the obligatory Chicago Bulls- Los Angelos Lakers pick that every sports pundit in America will, I want to share a unique fact, matchup, or observation from each opening series that most people ignore or just don’t think is important. Let’s see if you do.

1 Chicago Bulls vs. 8 Indiana Pacers

Funny thing about Derrick Rose, the clear NBA MVP, is that he is terrified of clowns. Yes, the man who is devoid of emotion during his interviews; cringes in fear if he sees a round, red nose or a water-squirting flower. Apparently some Pacers fans heard about this and want to dress as clowns for Game 3 of the series, which if they do is can’t-miss TV. In fact, it’s the only reason why America will watch any of this series.

2 Miami Heat vs. 7 Philadelphia 76ers

Experts in running form from Miami decided to study the Miami Heat players and their individual running posture. They discovered that Dwayne Wade has the worst running form possible while his teammate Lebron James runs with perfect posture. When Wade runs, he extends his leg too far, landing directly on heels, all while locking his knee. Wade also has each exact physical problem that runners of this nature are predicted to have. It will probably have little outcome on this series but if he does injure himself, and the half-star Chris Bosh is having one of his “few” bad games, the Heat  could have an early exit in this playoffs.

3 Boston Celtics vs. 6 New York Knicks

The two teams that made significant trades at the trade deadline that have produced questionable outcomes. The Boston Celtics are the only team to be considered favorites in the playoffs before a trade and now are worried about escaping the first round. How do you make that Perkins trade? Especially for Nenad Kristic and Jeff Green, neither able to find a role in this team as of yet. There is no way that Kristic and Green were the best offers on the table when Kendrick Perkins was being shopped around. Danny Ainge: “Hey do you want a center who will radically change your team’s defensive identity, creating a toughness that is seriously lacking in this league?” Apparently not. The Knicks’ problem isn’t their players, it’s their coach. Mike D’Antoni coaches one style in the NBA, even when he receives one of the most dominant half court players in the game in Carmelo Anthony, he chooses wants to run his players up and down the court. Unless the Knicks magically advance to the Conference Finals, expect D’Antoni to be fired next season.

4 Orlando Magic vs. 5 Atlanta Hawks

The Hawks’ Jason Collins has been touted as the Dwight Howard and Shaquille O’Neal killer because for reasons unknown, he really bothers those players. It will be the only time that a game may be decided by Jason Collins in his entire career but what I find more interesting is how much Shaq and Dwight love to associate with each other.

Shaq: “I’m Superman”

Dwight: “Did you see me wear that cape and dunk? I’m Superman!”

Shaq: “Yeah I believe the goatee gives me a different look. It gives me that intimidating look I was going for.”

 Dwight: “Don’t you love my half lip mustache. I almost cut my lip every morning shaving but I just look so good.”

 Dwight: “I don’t know why but Jason Collins really bothered me tonight, I will still own the matchup during the playoffs though.

Shaq: “Everyone says Jason Collins bothers Dwight, I hope I don’t have to play him, he could be a career killer.”

No Shaq, that would be Kazaam.

1 San Antonio Spurs vs. Memphis Grizzlies

Let’s be honest, this has to be the least intriguing matchup in the first round. The Spurs have been playing the same team basketball in the least exciting way forever. For that reason Tim Duncan has been vastly underrated by most, generally not included in the top 10 players of the NBA even though he is an obvious choice. When you’re watching the Spurs sweep a team that lack any type of team identity, appreciate how consistent the Spurs have been, even if it is slightly boring.

2 Los Angelos Lakers vs. 7 New Orleans Hornets

An observation that most have ignored or refused to speak of is that Kobe Bryant has quietly been on the decline this season. The final regular season game was the perfect example: within the last four minutes of the game, the Sacramento Kings were mounting a comeback. Kobe attempted to put the team on his back and ended up missing five shots in a row as the Kings stole the lead from the Lakers. However, with five seconds left, Kobe shoots a ridiculous three and forces the game into overtime. He rides the momentum of his three in overtime to win the game and is touted as the hero, again. During highlights, ESPN forgets to mention Kobe’s cold streak and the American public never know that Kobe almost lost the game for the Lakers. Kobe is still the guy with the ball in his hand with a minute left, but don’t be shocked if he starts trending towards missing those clutch shots instead of making them.

3 Dallas Mavericks vs. 6 Portland Trailblazers

When everyone predicts an upset is it even an upset anymore? The Dallas Mavericks are the most underachieving team in sports but nobody is even giving them a chance. It always seems when everyone jumps on an upset—see Butler in 2011 March Madness Final—the dominant team usually wins. It almost makes me nervous to not predict the Trailblazers upsetting the Mavericks. Almost. When every bottom seeded team in a conference wants to play your team in the first round of the playoffs, that’s a bad sign. The Trailblazers have too many bodies to throw at Dirk he won’t be as significant and the Trailblazers arguably have four of the top five players in this series, it’s a no brainer. Portland in 6.

4 Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 5 Denver Nuggets

I believe that the Thunder are going to win it all but I’m ok if they don’t and here’s why. If the Nuggets win the Finals (which won’t happen), Disney is  going to have to make a sports movie about them. It has the perfect set up. “A team falls short the year before because their coach had cancer and came back this year with high hopes. Their two star players left them so they could lose on a different team for more money. After their departure, the team banded together winning more games than with their stars. They fought through better teams throughout the postseason and proved that teamwork always comes first. Gold Rush: the true story of how a small team overcame so much.”

If only.